Dude, where's my precious?

justaimee @ 2003-11-05T22:21:00

2003-11-05T22:22:28Z

Huh. considering i have two to three days off work per week, it wouldn't be ludacris to think i might actually have got something useful done before work again tomorrow.

Things I should have done:

1)Cleared ever expanding pile of miscellaneous junk on floor, now of epic proportion;
2)Dusted;
3)Hoovered;
4)Done ironing to assist mother, thus earning brownie points;
5)Sorted finances;
6)Read books that might make me aware of important stuff like worl issues so brain does not rot now school is not a factor.
7)Started delving into enormous sewing pile (a subdivision of main huge pile of junk).
8)Apparantly mending friendship i was unaware had broken. am clearly bad friend for not noticing breakage, and thus deserving of said breakage.

What i have actually done over the past two days:

1)Baked gingerbread men and victoria sandwich cake (am clearly now baking maestro);
2)Looked at Large Pile O'Junk (TM) for a while.
3)Bought more stuff from charity shop to add to sewing pile;
4)Spent stupidly large amount of internet quota downloading 10 min dropkick murphy video biography and giggling in insane girly fashion;
5)Eating truly heinous amount of cheesecake.

Okay. i'll do the priority revision next week, though i fear the primitive species slowly evolving in the Large Pile O'Junk (TM) may have discovered capitalism by then. oh well. they can help with the finances.

You didn't think the whinging was over did you? Sucker...

2003-09-16T01:54:36Z

Shaping up to be longest day of entries ever. and its all about me me me! am not convinced lj isn't just self-indulgent shit, but perhaps is just me.

so. success in exams no means there is no excuse to be a failure in the workplace. shit. nothing but hassle from here on in. i want to live my life, dammnit, not slave away for 10 hours a day so one day i may glimpse a chance of getting out of the family home and into a place with bills of my own. oh the joy. and then, work to pay those bills, work to afford stuff i like, work work work, save save save. for what? for when i'm sixty five, retired and any chance at living anything apart from the 9 till 5 norm is impossible, either because i'm physically too tired and incapable, or because i've forgotten i ever wanted anything better than what i have?
christ, don't let me wake up in a decade in this small as nothing town. and don't let me wake up as my bloody parents.
don't get me wrong, i care about them. as much as i'm capable of caring about anyone other than myself. i can't say i love them, because i've got deeply rooted suspicions about familial love. is it really anything other than a nigh-impossible to break psychological bond, formed on primal instinct at birth, that endures through following years mainly as a force of habit and perhaps some resulting fondness that has evolved through necessity rather than choice? somebody prove to me that its more than that.
if not, then that explains pretty much everything, doesn't it? the human psyche is full of such hooks. thats why, even if you grow to dislike, even hate each other, some element of family endures. "blood thicker than water" they say. "they're still my father/mother/sister/brother" they think. what does that even mean? what can it mean, but not a pretty affectionate love, as books and stories would have it, but a scientific animalistic instinct to tie yourself to your pack? survival of the fittest, right? darwinism at its finest. and are you stronger on your own, when something could creep up on you from behind, or are you stronger with others watching your back, making sure you're warm/fed/not ill?

so as you get older it diminishes, fades, but never breaks. other emotions creep in, or ones that were already there grow stronger. disagreements are more frequent. the parents recognize a challenge to their authority and control rather than someone who is weaker and needs their protection. and the child feels the bond or "love" as a yoke, a leash that's holding them back and being used to control them. time for the child to get out and start a pack for them to control/nurture/feed/love. whatever you want to call it.

its all biological, primal, instinctive. millenia old, and not going to change.
on a more human or emotional level i can simplify it- i have to leave home some point in the not-so-distant future before all affection is swallowed by resentment.
and i think its important to maintain that affection. to have roots. otherwise, the hate taints your childhood, and you should be able to look back and smile. to have something that was viewed through simple eyes, when emotions were clearer and easily categorised, and none of the shit i've just babbled about had even occurred in my darkest dreams.
on a more sappy note, in this way, childhood is like a long summer, the longest you'll have in your whole life. days are longer and more beautiful, sky is bluer, and there's no school, so you can almost do anything you want without work. no harshly real reason to get up in the morning, but no need to go to bed early at night and waste the evening, so it feels like you've had enough sleep every day.
but above all, the sheer possibility of every summer evening. that short time between when the sun has set, but before it gets dark. so the blue sky is still lit by the sun that you can no longer see, and it gets paler and paler towards the horizon, with the slightest tint of orange and purple, until it looks like it goes on over the whol world. and anything, anywhere on earth could be just over that horizon. your whole life is stretched over that horizon, just out of sight.

part of me always liked imagine another part of the world just over the edge of those sunset lit edges of sky, and once i wondered whether the place you thought of when you looked there was the place you should be in the end. maybe it was where you should turn to dust.
i was always a very pretentious child, and i don't think i've changed much now. it scares me to think that my childhood is over. i'll be nineteen the day after tomorrow, and though i'm well aware i'm still young, i'm just as aware that i'll never have that simplicity of just being again. reading this as i type i'm embarassed because i still sound pretentious. i don't know how to explain what i think without sounding as i do. my theory is that this occurs because i possess no real depth of feeling. not about anything that matters. i can fake it for anything i feel i want to, but the truth is, i'm cold. so i end up overcompensating when i try to be truthful. maybe my theories about the non-existence of love, familial or otherwise, is due to my own inability to feel it. i'm alone, closed off, and not in a teenage existential-angst oh-why-me-god clothes-rending misery way. things affect me; thoughts, personal feelings, theories, films. but not people. and that's why love can't exist for me. because i'm empty. when people bring the subjects up, i tell them i don't expect marriage, don't want children. never have, never will. because how could someone care about me enough for marriage? there's nothing there. affection, or god forbid, romance, feels fake, and forced to me, like someone's trying to imitate something they saw on tv or read about. it makes me laugh, and want to say things that will jar them out of it.
and i could never care about a child. i wouldn't be capable of putting someone else first for at least 18 years of their life.
but then maybe this is just my teen angst bullshit, and it crept up on me without me noticing. maybe i only think i've been feeling like this for the past 7 or so years because i'm looking back through the rose-coloured glasses of the mindset i have now. i hope so. i mean, i feel sad that i'll never be a child again, that i'll never wake up during the summer holidays and string hammocks on the climbing frame, or play football in the back garden with dad and joseph. i kicked arse in goal. better than peter schmichael, i made them swear it. i'll never tie elizabeth to the apple tree while me and joe pretend to be Houdini the Great Escape Artist, and Nice Guy, respectively, and accidentally forget where we left her. she developed some great knot untying skills that i'm sure will serve her well.
that regret is as real and palpable as if it was looking over my shoulder while i type this. i miss those times, and i miss the people we were. because, melodrama aside, we are all different people now. its not all due to the fact that i'm looking back through older eyes. at some point, growing up, you are confronted with the fact that your parents are people, not perfect, and it came as a great bloody shock to me. they can be petty, resentful, passive agressive and cruel even if they aren't what would be termed "bad parents". they can scar you in all sorts of painful ways that needn't be physical. i haven't forgiven them yet. i know their faults now, at least better than i did, and knowing them means i can't be hurt as easily. angered, yeah, but i understand better.
like i said, on wednesday i'll be 19. the staple 18 years of looking after me and cushioning my falls are over. maybe i'm just pissed that they don't seem to have had much trouble ending that. but then, i'm more aware now. its hard to put into words, but i have to get it out of my head, just like the rest of this crap, or it'll just go round and round until it fits itself into the right sentences.
my parents have tiring lives. they work their arses off so we can eat and have clothes, and we have only ever barely scraped by. and they are human. they resent us for it. can't blame em, i know i'd feel the same. their lives our ours not their own. all parents must feel the same, to some extent, no matter how "happy" their lives are. so they can be hurtful, and a lot of the time they mean to be. other times they just don't care. actually, i think i was wrong. i think you do forgive them easily enough, you just can't forget.
i hope this cynicism/realism/nihilism, whatever label ou want to stick on it,is just a phase. i don't want to believe that a happy life is a story people tell themselves to make everything bearable.

when i was a kid and i looked at the horizon on a summer evening, i'd think of new mexico. i don't know if that really means anything at all. i hope so.

Ahem.

2003-09-16T00:08:29Z

Well, clearly my ability at keeping the updates regular have failed miserably, which would probably bother me more if I though anyone but elpinko reads this. nevermind.

so, school's out for ever, as alice cooper so wisely states, and i kicked fucking arse in my exams. which was a nice surprise, as i fully expected to fail miserably. and that ain't false humility, as even my earlier exams in january indicated that crippling failure was on the cards. i'm still waiting for them to call me and say its all a big computer error.
its worse this way, in some ways at least. my parents, after years of nagging to work hard, etc etc, seemed to feel that their job was done the second the results were revealed. i got a pat on the head and a smile from my mother, and though my father was there when i found out my grades, it took him a week to say anything about them, be it positive or negative. but how could i blame him? he was watching tv, after all.

sorry, is my bitter showing?

but god. i was so fucking happy that i got an A for law, partly because i was convinced i'd get an E, but also because i know he was pleased i was taking law, as he gets on quite well with the legal-type aspects of his job himself. and i know he would have probably liked me to have gone on to do it uni, so i felt bad that i knew that wasn't what i wanted to do. i thought maybe the a level grade would make up for it a bit. i didn't realise he wouldn't give a fuck either way.

of course, joseph got fantastic gcse results, despite the lack of work and tendency towards substance abuse, so lets all break our backs fawning all over him. and hey! he's going to reading, so the more money we can shower on him the better! after all, gcse's only come round once! and we'll just forget that the very day before he was found to have five ecstacy tablets, in a mint tin, in the room he shares with a 10 yr old boy. really exhibiting his genius there.
and he steals my fucking cigarettes, the little bastard.

Randomness...

2003-07-26T20:57:15Z

Feeling smug now, as finally got around to fiddling with icons, and now have several at disposal, mostly courtesy of epitaph records. yay!

spent entire worktime today at most dead and dismal library in borough. boredom ruled, and they have a nasty habit of leaving me solely in charge. ack. have manic fear of the responsibilty and thought that as only have most paltry job available would have avoided it but nooo.

found couple of very promising online stores selling music merchandise etc, and am on quest for many patches in the hope of covering old denim jacket once dyed black. am victim of recent burst of creativity (read: dangerous experimentation possibly resulting in loss of wardrobe to many unremovable dye stains) that is leading to going through whole clothing collection and customising with dye, different materials, patches, studs etc. on plus side, will have unique wardrobe whether attempts successful or not.

however, uk has ridiculously small number of of online outlets for alternative music atuff. hair is being torn. sigh. not that it matters at this exact point in time as am horribly broke for at least the next three weeks. bah.

Manic glee!

2003-07-19T20:48:25Z

Have remembered that when opened last bank account, came into possession of...debit card! can shop online! well, "shop", "run up debt", what's the difference?
ooooh, pretty red t shirt...
however, must pratice restraint, as have already bought yankees cap and three offspring patches *snuggles cap*.

Joy.

2003-07-18T00:16:58Z

At last. Laptop has been returned to me, complete with all the problems Idiot Computer Boy was supposed to fix NOT FIXED, so system wipe and re-install had to be done. may never recover from emotionally wrecking loss of files. so very many pretty fanarts. gone. not to mention frankly ridiclous amount of downloaded music. have a feeling am personally resposible for huge record company profits drop.

exams finished and summer stretches before me like a...very stretchy thing, yet all that gets focused on is money, job, money, money, extra work, full time job etc. have discovered that university is deeply unlikely due to lack of aforementioned money and insufficient loans, so...future uncertain. gulp.

however! have exciting shiny new obsessions:
firefly: my god, the pretty. the slang! the jayne!
pirates of the caribbean: okay, hasn't even been released over here yet and am devouring fanfic, downloading vid clips and swooning over johnny depp.

therefore, summer will focus on movies and denial. like most of the rest of the year. oh, to be independently wealthy.

will now go and watch From Hell, and try desperately to ignore naked!Bilbo.

yaaaaaawwwwn...

2003-05-25T22:23:54Z

am slightly knackered.
so yesterday was lindsey's b-day dinner, which was cool, despite being in close proximity with two people who have made constant whingeing an art form. still, restrained self from jamming chop sticks up noses to pierce tiny tiny brains, so yay for anger management.

also have bought rancid 2000 album and am delirious with glee, if slightly disconcerted by them singing about chaucer's canterbury tales. yes, artistic license etc, but if i'd ever thought to compile a top ten list of "things i'll never expect rancid songs to contain", that particular book may have found its way into it.

prospect of beginning revision tomorrow paralysing. am overwhelmed by sheer amount of knowledge am expected to absorb for law exams. also= double law exam. whoo hoo. helphelphelp. am expecting to fail miserably at everything, and am bemoaning lack of contingency plans.
will continue to immerse self in denial.

but! new transplants video! yay! have been expecting it for a while, as visit epitaph website where its been available for download (as is no where else on web), yet my computer refuses to comply. grr. so, sad absence of p-rock channel (hopefully temporary) means only chance of seeing it is on kerrang. approximately once evry 24 hours, apparantely. my MOTHER saw it before me. had to deal with her being disturbingly happy that travis barker drummed minus shirt(seemingly world wide condition for drummers. perhaps has to do with sweat issues. after all, world famous musicians have no time for constant laundry cycles).
hmmph. creepy crush, most definately. "only interested in his superior drumming techniques" my arse.

happy birthday lindsey! may you have received vast amounts of cash.

gaaahhhhhh...

2003-05-12T21:46:27Z

*stabs bt internet connection repeatedly* disconnected five times in a row. am trying to quash urge to rise up and slay bill gates also.

first day of study leave/summer holiday has made quite clear the hellishness that will be sharing a confined space with a home-based parent and ridiculously cranky 15yr old for four months. already overdosing on snide. have sought comfort in strategic retreat to room and re-reading of Sith Academy, but the only result of this appears to be constant reference to dark side and renaming of cat from "saffron/wumpy-ickle-doodles" to "my apprentice".

need more X2 and X2 related stuff. am contemplating downloading movie, though quality would be horrific, but am getting pathetic and desperate. too little fanfiction, though what there is appears to be of excellent quality= yay! was slightly disconcerted by nightcrawler/theoretical!Jesus, but in good way. more john/marie/bobby, marie/john or john/bobby must appear. am not picky. proving ridiculously hard to get copy of X2 novelisation, and am on verge of assaulting staff at waterstones. and not in a fun way.

finally: *mocks el pinko. with laughter and pointing and TOPHAT*

Here we go again...

2003-05-11T18:06:18Z

Feeling pro active, so have re-started journal. other items on agenda include clearing rapidly expanding clothing pile, which may have become sentient, soon to begin questing for fire, and equally scary random mess of politics notes. tempting to just leave it all, but have a bad feeling that the notes will become vital for looming exams. oh well.

finished school for EVER on friday, yet feel strangely apathetic and not very nostalgic. is true that have hated wretched place for approximately 7 years, but still expected to be slightly upset. end of an era and all that.

still maniacally excited over X2, especially nightcrawler and pyro, so foresee even more much needed funds becoming property of 21st century fox and stan lee veerrry soon. between this and insatiable need for more music, especially both self titled rancid albums which have yet to acquire (not to mention new album in July! *dance of psychotic glee*), is rapidly becoming clear that will be completely lacking in anything resembling finance by the time end of summer relocation occurs. bah. brown polyester in my future?

god, hope not.